I have so many thoughts this evening and there are so many I can't wait to talk about when we make our trip across country.
I have to say I really enjoyed having my mom around this week. She is exhausting for sure, but there is certain level of comfort that comes with having her around that I didn't recognize when I was younger. I was a little bit hard hearing her say it was too bad things didn't really pan out for me in Toronto. I know she really wanted me to stay here. But at the same time I know she understands things here are really done for me. I am glad she got to meet my friends here, she really liked all of them and spoke of them with a level of respect she doesn't usually use when referring to my friends. I think you are the only one she really has really held on that level.
I have to say, in many ways this city has really broken me and everytime I really think about it, it makes me sad. With all of the positives about the city and people I have met here, the negatives seem to be so much more pronounced. I can't really explain (and probably don't have to) just how disgusted I am with Quark. The anger I have towards that situation and the people involved in that situation is palpable. I actually had to tell my mom that I didn't ever want to talk about the place again because it makes me almost blind with rage. At the same time I have a level of disappointment with myself for not understanding how Kevin felt when he left Quark. Of course, I had no way of knowing until I was in the same situation, but I should have been more understanding and sympathetic. I fucking hate that place.
Then there is the Bill situation that just pains me because of who I sooooooo wanted him to be. I don't have to really say anything about that because we have really talked it to death, but I feel like I fell in love with a guy that doesn't exist, but who's face I can see. Weird.
I do feel like there was a period of time that I was really happy here. It was a little over a year ago. I really felt like I was becoming the person I really wanted to be. And then before I could hit the breaks, the road disappeared and I didn't know what the hell was gong on. In an instant I was lost and just have not been able to get back on track. It disappoints me.
So, now I am on the move again and I am excited for the change. I think it is going to be very good for me but I also know it is going to take an amazing level of discipline. It will be too easy to just do nothing. I will need you pushing me and keeping me on task...like you don't have enough people to keep on task at the moment...Sorry!!! This is my chance and I NEED to take advantage of it. I am just ready for it to be done!!!
Anyway... those are some of the things going through my head at the moment.
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