Fucking Toronto pt. 1 (because there will prob be more!)

I have so many thoughts this evening and there are so many I can't wait to talk about when we make our trip across country.

I have to say I really enjoyed having my mom around this week.  She is exhausting for sure, but there is certain level of comfort that comes with having her around that I didn't recognize when I was younger.  I was a little bit hard hearing her say it was too bad things didn't really pan out for me in Toronto.  I know she really wanted me to stay here.  But at the same time I know she understands things here are really done for me.  I am glad she got to meet my friends here, she really liked all of them and spoke of them with a level of respect she doesn't usually use when referring to my friends.  I think you are the only one she really has really held on that level.

I have to say, in many ways this city has really broken me and everytime I really think about it, it makes me sad.  With all of the positives about the city and people I have met here, the negatives seem to be so much more pronounced.  I can't really explain (and probably don't have to) just how disgusted I am with Quark.  The anger I have towards that situation and the people involved in that situation is palpable.  I actually had to tell my mom that I didn't ever want to talk about the place again because it makes me almost blind with rage.  At the same time I have a level of disappointment with myself for not understanding how Kevin felt when he left Quark.  Of course, I had no way of knowing until I was in the same situation, but I should have been more understanding and sympathetic.  I fucking hate that place.
Then there is the Bill situation that just pains me because of who I sooooooo wanted him to be.  I don't have to really say anything about that because we have really talked it to death, but I feel like I fell in love with a guy that doesn't exist, but who's face I can see.  Weird.

I do feel like there was a period of time that I was really happy here.  It was a little over a year ago.  I really felt like I was becoming the person I really wanted to be.   And then before I could hit the breaks, the road disappeared and I didn't know what the hell was gong on.  In an instant I was lost and just have not been able to get back on track.  It disappoints me.

So, now I am on the move again and I am excited for the change.  I think it is going to be very good for me but I also know it is going to take an amazing level of discipline.  It will be too easy to just do nothing.  I will need you pushing me and keeping me on task...like you don't have enough people to keep on task at the moment...Sorry!!!  This is my chance and I NEED to take advantage of it.  I am just ready for it to be done!!!

Anyway... those are some of the things going through my head at the moment.

clydsedales, huh

you want a large horse? who DOESN'T?! LIM Schwiester maybe? something ending in "berg"? i am positive we can come up with something. i have to go to the doctor on thursday and i'm currently trying to figure out if i want to tell her about ALL my weirdo problems or just SOME of them, based entirely on the fact that i know what sorts of tests they'll do if i tell her about the others. . . i don't want to get scoped and that's a FACT. i've gone 37 years without a scope and i could go another 37 years. still here. still banking on the lottery.

Pains...

So Hizzy,  I have had this pain in my side for a while now, don't really know how long, but a while.  I decided to try to look up similar symptoms, but that just became annoying.  I will say this, it feels like the ovary on my left side is pissed!  and then every now and then it likes to get my colon involved...Whatever!!

Is it wrong that it is 2am and I am pissed that there is no good television on?  It's a little wrong, but  still a pain in the ass!!  Ah, what am I gonna do.  Also, is it wrong that I was going to write dog-sitter Karen a note to let her know if she needs a distraction from family drama tomorrow to call and we'll hang-out, but I didn't because I didn't want her too call me too early in the morning?  Probably a bit wrong, but that too would be a royal pain.

I wish I had more ginger ale, and also a Clydesdale.

I feel like water is the answer to everything.  I think if I spend a couple days really getting back to drinking a lot of water (I've been slacking the last couple weeks and I didn't replace it with anything, I just stopped drinking...weird) my body will return to normal, whatever that is.

I guess for now I'll go lay down in bed and watch tv, nothing else to do!!!

PS- Although the nickname LIMbbbbber is fun, I think I will stick to simply LIM... I have always liked my initials...unless I can find a wacky and funny Jewish surname.  But since I just spent 20 minutes looking, I lost the will to care...blagh!!

LIMberrrrr!

do you think it's funny that you're talking about NZ and AZ- how everywhere you're going ends in Z?! and then add in the "z to the hizzy" thing and it's circular, cyclical and all-encompassing! the first name i thought of was LIMberrrrrrr! just cuz. as for the moving and the angst about moving and the whatnot- we'll discuss. clearly, you need some calming perspective. also, you probably DO need a personal hair stylist, which i will be happy to provide one of two ways- either i'll win the lottery tonight OR i'll have CW be your stylist on the way out. we'll chain him in the seat behind you with a hairbrush and every once in a while, toss him some peanuts while we yell "BRUSH MONKEY, BRUSH!!" we'll get it all figured out, LIMber, no worries! OH AND- that grey's anatomy? we're on the same damn page as usual. AMAZING. plus, i think the lady who plays callie stole my skin and has it on HER FACE!

My Love...

Can you blame me?

Wowsiers!!

So ya, you were right about Greys Anatomy...fantastic.  and you're right, that last song needs to be in my collection FOR SURE!!!  Let's also talk about how pissed I was at the attitude of that heart surgeon towards Christina.  If I was Yang, I would have said, "you're right, you can't teach me anymore, but clearly I can teach you a thing or two...bi-atch!"  ALSO, I loved the way they had Callie wake-up. It was just so powerful!!

So in other news, Dave Bowen would like me to come out for a full month...I mean Jesus!!  We'll see what happens.  I'll have to call my dad tomorrow just to run things by him.  Most of the time he gives really solid advice, but sometime I think his focus gets a little off.  We'll see.

Hizzy, why do I always feel like I am being pulled in 10,000 directions?  There are things that I want to do in life, visiting NZ for example, but I never feel like I get to do these things on my schedule.  I really feel like this move to AZ is what is best for me and it's what I want to do, but I feel like getting there is full of pleasing everyone else.  Mom wants me to go to Pittsburgh, dad is so focused on getting his automobile that he is not realizing how much of a wrench he is throwing in to  my plans (selfish as SHIT! I know!), Caroline wants me to go to Ottawa, Bowen wants me in NZ to help HIM.  I mean holy hell!!  I just want to go and start my life over!!!!

I just need to focus...FOCUS!!!

I know this wouldn't be nearly as stressful if I had the money to just hire someone to pack my shit, make my plans, brush my hair...just kidding about the hair thing.  But per usual, having the finances to get this stuff done would really help.  I wish I didn't have to rely on my parents for the help.

UGH!!!!!!!

And finally... I need a super freakin cool name like yours!!! Z to the Hizzy?!  COME ON!!!!  I need a new name, let's figure this out cuz LIM ain't cuttin' it!!!

I CAN'T STAND IT

i can't stand it, LIM, i can't STAND IT. i'm sitting here, trying to figure out how to make my nephew's soon-to-be-wife regret having ever met us. trying to figure out how to make her GO AWAY and leave the whole family alone. and she won't. she won't hear anything cutting and awful i have to say because she's DENSE. and i can't stand it. she'll continue to spread her toxin and poison my nephew to the detriment of his life and hers. DAMNIT i can't stand it! my sister-in-law and i cannot meet this woman. sis-in-law is ready to kill her and i'm ready to crush her spirit and put her in a mental institution from my viperous tongue. I CAN'T TAKE IT!!